Relationships After Trauma

For those that have experienced trauma, romantic relationships can be challenging.

Trauma can impact one’s self-esteem, ability to regulate emotions, and can cause difficulties trusting others. It is perhaps no surprise that this leads to some unique obstacles when developing romantic connections with others.

While there is, of course, a spectrum in terms of how traumatized folks show up in their relationships, I often see the following themes in my work.

Avoiding Altogether

This person might want to one day be in a partnership, but has not experienced one. Oftentimes, trauma can lead to feeling that people are scary, unpredictable, and unsafe to rely on. When this message becomes intertwined with one’s dating life, it can make connection really tough. Whether it is conscious or unconscious, they may avoid dating in an attempt to keep themselves safe from harm, rejection, or being vulnerable. This type of person may become easily demoralized and “give up” when experiencing the typical hiccups in dating such as rejection from others or even just an annoying or boring first date.

Unhealthy Relationships

This person will often find themselves locked in a pattern of unhealthy and high stress relationships. Sometimes they are repeating patterns that seem to resemble their past traumas. Other times they seek excitement and find the stability of a healthy partnership to be uncomfortable or even unsafe. This person may find that their relationships begin quickly and are full of passion and excitement. Once reality begins to set in, these relationships turn sour and can even become abusive, leading to additional trauma. This type of person may find that they struggle to stay single for very long before entering a new relationship, fling, or situationship.

Working Towards Stability

This person often has a history of one of the first two relational styles but has finally found a compatible partner that they love and care for. Due to their trauma history, they may find that they have to work really hard to ensure that they are showing up for their partner in a way that is consistent with their values and supports the relationship’s growth. This might look like occasionally lashing out at their partner, shutting down when upset, or experiencing high anxiety when separated from their partner. However, at the end of the day, both partners are supportive, loving, and committed to working through their trauma to make things work.

Relationships can be hard for anyone, but trauma can create unique challenges within relationships. If you notice aspects of yourself in any of these relational types, please know that you are not alone and that you are capable of experiencing peaceful and loving relationships with the right support. My inbox is always open if you would like to take the first step towards recovery.