“Who am I and what do I even value?”
We all know values are important, yet they can be surprisingly difficult to pin down. We inherit values from our families, friends, and communities, but as we grow and experience new things, we may start to question ourselves. This can lead to big questions, such as “who am I?” and “how do I want to live my life?”. While these questions follow us throughout life, they can become all consuming during early adulthood.
In my practice, I often work with values and help guide my clients to make decisions and take action based on their personal values. However, what if you are unsure of your values altogether? How do you tell if your values are what you truly value, or are what you think you should be valuing? These can be complicated questions to answer, but I have included three activities to get you started on uncovering your true values.
Try Visualization
For this exercise, you will identify one person who is currently in your life that you trust and admire. This could be a friend, family member, or mentor. Someone that makes you feel safe and who you might go to for advice.
Now, remember a recent memory you have with this person where you felt truly like yourself - like you on a good day. Now begin to transport yourself into this pleasant memory: Where were you? What was your safe person wearing? Can you recall any details, such as smells, tastes, or sensations? The more vivid the memory, the better.
Once you are fully immersed in the memory, focus on how you were acting. What qualities do you possess? How did you feel during the memory? Imagine someone observing you - how would they describe you? Were you being funny, supportive, adventurous, peaceful, or even stoic? You may want to take some time and write down your observations about yourself. The way you behaved during this memory will likely reveal your values and what is most important to you.
Write an obituary
While morbid, considering how we want to be remembered at the end of our life can be a powerful way of determining what we actually value. One way of reflecting on this can be to write an obituary for yourself.
Imagine you live a long and fulfilling life. Consider the following questions:
How do you want people to describe your life and the contributions you made?
How would the people closest to you describe you?
What is the impact you made on the people in your life, your communities, or even the world?
What stories would they tell about you and what positive qualities would they highlight?
What is the legacy you hope to leave behind?
By considering your ideal legacy, you gain insight into what truly matters to you. It can help you envision a life that you are proud of and that aligns with your true values.
Please note, if thinking about the end of life is difficult or triggering for you, you may want to skip this exercise.
Tune into your body
To begin this exercise, you will want to get into a position where you feel supported but not sleepy, such as sitting upright in a chair. If it feels right, close your eyes. Start to notice your breath and any sensations in your body. You may begin to take deeper and longer breaths. Let yourself settle in here.
Now start to feel for the center of your body and invite the breath into this place. Imagine your breath is filling the center of your body. What sensations do you notice?
Now draw your attention to the length of your body, from the bottom of your feet to the top of your head. Notice how your body responds. Does your body try to shrink or take up less space? Use your breath to elongate and fill the entire length of your body.
Next, draw your attention to your width. Begin to feel yourself from side to side. You may even want to wiggle around a bit here if that feels right. Feel your rib cage expand with each breath.
Finally, begin to notice your depth, from the front of your body to the back of your body. Notice the back of your head and neck and notice how the back of your body feels against your chair (if sitting in one).
Continue breathing deeply into your entire body - length, width, and depth - and notice how that feels. Now think of something that you care about. Something that you would be willing to organize your life around. What happens to your body when you bring this in? Do you tense up, or do you feel even more grounded? Does your breathing become shallow, or do you feel it expand further?
Listen to your body’s signals. When you connect with your true values, you'll likely feel more present and connected to your physical self. The way your body reacts can offer clues about what you truly value.
Sources
Harris, R. (2022). Trauma-Focused ACT: A Practitioner’s Guide to Working with Mind, Body, and Emotion Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
Hemphill, P. (2024, May 21-24). Beyond the Walls [Keynote Address]. Psychotherapy Networker Symposium 2024, Washington, DC.
